Hurricanes and Butterflies

Politically Incorrect.

2012-01-30T02:13:00.003-08:00

People are always asking me why I left, when obviously, my boyfriend is still there. This is usually followed by questions about whether I am making any plans to go back at all.

(I am going to have to password protect this post. If you would like to read it, take a wild guess at the password. Or, simply leave a comment / message me.)

***

Shit personalities
destroy everything.

Rambles.

2012-01-28T02:46:00.000-08:00

Je n'ai jamais été une personne très patiente. Mais depuis peu, c'est tout ce dont je semble faire: attendre. Attendre quoi? Aucune idée. Les bonnes choses viennent à ceux qui savent attendre, mais je me demande parfois si je ne devrai pas forcer le destin. Un petit coup de pouce ne ferait pas de mal, n'est-ce-pas?

Hm.

Je n'ai encore jamais écrit de morceaux en français.. sans doute à cause des accents, et des accords inévitables, que cette très belle langue requiert. C'est embarrassant comment il m'est practiquement impossible d'écrire aisément en français. Mon cerveau, je l'admets, n'a jusqu'à l'heure jamais été conditioné à écrire en français pour mes proses, et mes rabâchements en général. Certes, tout cela me venait naturellement quand l'on avait des rédactions et des résumés à composer; mais depuis..
Aussi, les raccourcis textouilles (casse-couilles, ha-ha) n'ont pas aidé.

Je suppose que j'utilise différentes parties de mon cerveau pour chaque langue connue, et devoir les reconcilier de cette façon (ou plutôt, imposer le français dans le domaine où l'anglais domine) me perturbe. Il y a une dispute, là dedans, mineure mais présente - l'anglais, qui revient en force, et qui refuse de laisser le français être l'alpha pour cette article; et le français qui éssaie, tant bien que mal, de prendre le dessus. Je m'éfforce à ne pas penser en anglais, parce qu'il n'y a rien de plus anormal qu'un article anglais traduit en français littéral. N'est-ce-pas?

Voilà.

J'me casse.

PS: À lire dans un ton affecté, avec un accent également affecté.

Translate this?

(May not help)

Don't know why I decided to write in French.. Probably to see if I still could.

How'd I go?

Boy, is it hard to go back to English after forcing myself to write in French. I don't know if you're aware of that, but sentence structuring is different for those two languages. And, if you want my opinion, the way a sentence is written is one of the key aspects of writing. In my world anyway.

I miss my kitty so much..
Just look at that kitty face.. How cute is that? Meow! Pretty sure she's forgotten all about me. I'm a freaking "TV" to her now.

***

Ugliness is a kind of death.

No Words.

2012-01-21T23:32:00.060-08:00

We make it look easy. That's why they crave what's mine; what's ours.

.
.
.

Oh, this.

Okay, maybe I do have a few words..
The Notebook taught me two things: Love prevails, and relationships are not always sunshine and walks in the park. Sometimes, the one you love hurts you, or worse: you hurt them. Sometimes, life throws shit at your relationship. If when that happens, you choose to give up on your love, then maybe you never really loved them that much to begin with. It's easy to walk away, and just write it off to a bad relationship. It's safer to pull the plug, than risk getting more hurt. But, if you can't let go.. if you choose to stay and work on it.. if after no matter how many hurdles, you are still there holding on.. then that makes you either of two things: a complete and utter fool, or an absolute and true lover. But then again, perhaps these are one and the same thing.

To love me is utterly insane.
I'm lucky you are crazy enough to be crazy about me.
I love you.
And it's all worth it.
You are worth it all.

***

There is nobody else for me.

I don't want anybody else.

Born That Way.

2012-01-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

So..

I've been told I have a permanent sad / apathetic face, and I should smile more. Why, I'm sorry the way my face looks does not appeal to you. It's my default face / expression. I know my smile is amazing, but I'm no smile-whore. My intention was never to make friends with everyone.

Believe me, if I'm happy, it will show on much more than just my face.

Good talk. Bye.

Side note:

I woke up to this today.

***

The man who gives me strength

is my weakness.

Finding Nemo.

2012-01-16T14:24:00.001-08:00

This is the story of how we found Nemo.

We decided we could not possibly shop every day (we kind of did though), so off to the Aquarium we went on Dec 30th. It was so packed I almost regretted it. We had to wait for about half an hour (!!) for tickets. I wish we had had the bright idea of pre-purchasing our tickets online!

These eels gave me the creeps, but they were oddly interesting. Should've seen them disappearing into the sand and coming back out again. Ew.

Sea turtles are so cute!
My sister: It is so much bigger than Pipo!
Me: No shit.
Haha. Pipo is our pet turtle. He is about the size of my palm. I don't think he'll grow any larger than that. Unless we change the size of his abode. In which case, I've heard he could grow larger. But don't quote me on that.
We had three other turtles. Tibo, Zia and Poppy. They passed *sadface.

Look at tiny Mr. Seahorse! That particular one looked very eager to be photographed, and danced and pranced around like a star. So cute!

The leopard stingrays were hard to photograph because they move kind of fast. Don't they look amazing? I think they look amazing.

The parrot lovebirds (pun!) were holding claws! I thought that was so cute! They are the bird versions of David and me, obviously. If I'm a bird, he's a bird :)

I took the picture above especially for David, and was called a devil by my sister. I don't get it, I am doing him a favour here. I know he will love this!

Chrysalis and newly emerged butterflies/moths. Fascinating.
At one point in the "bird area", a butterfly hrm keeper (? haha) released dozens of butterflies and they were so huge and fragile, and so beautiful and delicate, all at the same time. You should see their wings flutter, it's a most exquisite sight to behold.
There was a big royal blue one that could easily have been about three-quarter the size of my hand. Gorgeous. I should have stuffed it in my pocket. It could have been mine. Sighs.

Did you see the glowing anemones? Not sure the "glow" shows up in the photos.

I think the anemones were amongst my favourite things to see at the Aquarium. I don't know why. They make everything look so magical and pretty. "Under the sea"-ish, you know.
Oh, Ariel. Call me if you still wish to live up here. We can trade.

Ooh, Jellyfishes!
When he told me he wanted to have a jellyfish tank in his office one day, I was all "Are you out of your freaking mind?".
But now I get it.

More anemones and corals.
I want a fish tank in my house as well, now. Romeo and Juliet (the Baz Luhrmann movie) style. You know, the fish tank scene in the washrooms? When Romeo catches Juliet's gaze through the fish tank? *cue Kissing You opening notes.

Bellugas! Not the prettiest of creatures, but certainly very cute!

Our favourite stop: watching Sir Sea Otter swim around!
I cannot even begin to describe how fun it is to watch him swim and do backflips! I could have stayed there for hours in the cold just to watch that little guy do his thing. So cute.
Sir Sea Otter, come live in my bathtub.
(Yes, I want to own every animal that makes me melt.)

That was our dinner at The Keg. Meh.
For all the hype and the steep cheque, meh. I still prefer home-grilled steak. I have yet to find a restaurant that could even hope to compete with that. My dad is, basically, the best.

We were traipsing back home after our long tiring day, and look at what we found staring at us! An owl! (I tried not to use the flash so as not to startle it, and I brightened the photo so that the owl could actually be seen.)
We took it back home and called it Nemo.

***

"Good relationships don't just happen.
They take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together."

They all do.

2012-01-15T02:07:00.004-08:00

This is from my second favourite book of all time.
I once sat in the bathtub with this book, and got so caught up the water had turned cold (in relation to how scorching it had been at first) by the time I'd come back from the village of Wall. No need to mention how wrinkly a dried prune I'd become.

Good game.

This is my man.
And he will mend it, cherish it and hunt it.
He's done it all for me.

You cannot begin to even imagine how far he'd go for us. I can't.

***

There is one person in this world that I can just love,

and love no matter what.

Ballerina Dreams.

2012-01-10T23:11:00.001-08:00

Just one of the days we spent not shopping when my sister was here.. We slept in, and left my place pretty late in the afternoon.

We had an early dinner/very late lunch at Red Robins because we were craving burgers, and had to be at the theatre early in the evening. I love their Freckled Lemonades, and it does not hurt that they're bottomless.

The Nutcracker was beautiful! No photographs allowed during the performance so I just took photos of the hall afterwards. We waited for almost everyone to go, so we wouldn't have to move inch by inch to leave. My sister and I dislike being pushed and shoved around by crazy crowds. Not to mention I'm tiny and light as fuck. Easy to jostle around. This is one of the things I dislike about Boxing Day shopping (Which is why I'm glad we actually woke up early on that particular day)! I don't like the idea of being touched (inadvertently, or otherwise) by strangers. Now you know one of the reasons why I would hate clubbing. But hey, if you like that.

PS: The words obviously fit the picture, har har. If you scrutinise the photo, you may be able to spot me.

***

Erase My Mind.

Replace My Heart.

Rarest of Paws.

2012-01-06T03:26:00.000-08:00

This was a Christmas gift. I have been wanting one of those for ages.
Since I now live in a relatively cold country I figured it could be a justifiable want. It is so cute! And soft!

My sister says I look like a dog with this on. Fair enough.

***

Love was a country they could not defend.

TwentyTwelve.

2012-01-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

In 2011,
I let every little shit and fart get me down. I am still not sure if it was out of weakness or confusion, but it happened.

I started the year out knowing exactly where I wanted to be at specific points in time, planned out exactly what I had to do in order to get there, and ended up getting nothing because circumstances (bloody circumstances) changed. That's okay, really. I mean, I cannot have everything (yet), right? Where would I put it?

Saying "Nothing happened for me in 2011" would be a lie. A lot has happened and a lot has changed, but none of those have made me move forward. If anything, they were setbacks. Setbacks that made me doubt what I was always certain of.

In 2011,
I lost myself. I lost what had always made me "Me".

I started the year out not knowing what I was doing, and ended up not knowing who I was. That's okay, really. I mean, you can't always get it right, right? It's part of the lesson.

It's funny, when you think about it. You nurture and take pride of who you are, and you never imagine that a sleight of hand, and/or a slight offhand, could destroy everything. And then it happens, and you have no idea who you can rely on. Because the twist in your thoughts makes everything and everyone monstrous. It's not easy. Living this way.

I have said numerous times I am not one for resolutions, and I don't believe my life will just change with an increment in years. I would not mind saying my life is so much better now that 2011 is dead and gone, but no. Unfortunately, this is not how it works. Not for me anyway. I am a changed person, but it did not happen overnight, and it wasn't a change in dates that made that happen. All I can do now is take everything, good and bad (but mostly bad), and learn from that.

I will be fine. I will be awesome, even, because the basis for my vision of who, and what, I want to be is sort of already there. I have all the raw materials. All I have to do is build upon that. I have to wake up, and work on my potential instead of just being the-girl-with-lots-of-potential.

Of course I will fall again. I will bruise again. I will lose myself again. I will stop believing again. I will cry my guts out.

But I will get back on my feet faster. I will heal without hurting. I will find a better self. I will come back with a greater faith. I will never lose my smile.

Because you know what? I am choosing to be happy.

I am not grateful for it now and I don't think I ever will be, but 2011 was an important year for me. I will not cherish it, because there is nothing about it that makes me happy, but I will always remember it. It is the reminder that I once hit rock bottom. And I am never going back to that.

***

.. But I will not let down the people who love me.

Forgotten Lights.

2011-12-31T00:03:00.003-08:00

Because I love coming across that name. It seems to me that the universe is in sync with my thoughts when that happens.

.
.
.

Trip to the Van Dusen Botanical Garden to see the Festival of Lights! It was enchanting. I am no pro photographer, so hopes of real-life magic emerging from my photographs are pretty much wasted. It was still very, very pleasing to the eye, which is something I failed to capture. I wonder how Stanley Park's compares.. We wanted to go after visiting the aquarium today, but we were starving and decided to go for food instead. We do have our priorities set right.

The weather that night (as for the past week or so) was terrible though.. Rain and such. If you look closely, in some photos, you can see how muddy it was. And the cold froze me out of my brain. I could not even feel my hands after a while.. So I had to stop taking pictures, and just stuff my hands back into my gloves, and subsequently, into my pockets. Which didn't help much.

The last two photos are my favourites! You probably won't be able to read the sign, but it reads "Mistletoe Moment". You basically step into the dome shaped structure, and there's a mistletoe right over your head, at the centre. We all know what happens next.

I love how absolutely elated she looks at being kissed! Adorable!

***

I feel so lonely trapped inside my skin.

A Christmas Medley.

2011-12-28T22:40:00.008-08:00

Sending as much love as I possibly can in a box. Our first Christmas away from each other in four years. It is definitely not the same without my baby by my side. Absolutely nothing is the same.

But still, being halfway around the world from each other won't stop us from loving one another.

Random Christmas trees and lights that I decided to photograph, just because. I love how you kind of lose yourself in the glass dome's rooftop in real life. It's hypnotising.

Going to Ikea to buy a pair of pillows, and coming back with these. To be fair, I got my pillows. And some of these are my sister's too.

The "broccoli" is hilarious.

Christmas markets are fun to go to, at least once in a lifetime, I guess.. This one was not much, but it was a good way to pass time. The "fruits" from that stall are actually soap. Amazing.
Funny story about the Nutcracker photos. My sister somehow managed to break its arm. Poor Nutcracker! :( We're going to see the ballet performance tomorrow night (December 29th), wee! Excited!

Stuffed ourselves crazy on Christmas Eve / Christmas Day! I actually did not take any photos of our food on Christmas Day.

I really do hope I will have dinner with my family on Christmas Eve, and every other night of the year forever soon.

We woke up early on Boxing Day, despite going to bed extremely late the night before. I was Skyping my boyfriend. I have found I can somehow not feel sleepy at all doing that. As in, I know I have to sleep, but even if I am tired as hell, I am able to stay up? So whenever the time goes past 2AM, I literally have to force myself to say goodbye.

Anyway, my sister and I woke up early, and were out of the house before 8AM. The shops were still crazy packed as (Most opened their doors at 7AM)! Quote from my iMessage conversation with David that day (his Whatsapp is not working because his phone is weird and senile):

Me: Il y a beaucoup de gens! Who knew people were crazy enough to wake up that early to shop.

Me: That being said, look at us.

The sales were not tremendous, to be honest. The crazy reductions were mostly on Christmas products, and clothes I would never even consider buying / wearing. But I did snag a few bargains, and obviously got a good amount of shopping done.

I know how we look like. Spoilt, bratty shopaholics. But we are not! We did not buy that much, just tidbits from different shops. I mean, we did wait for the sales to shop as well. For the most part.

Ending this entry as abruptly as I started it.
Hope you had a good Christmas.
Bye.

Scraps.

2011-12-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

Your heart stops. When a heartbeat finally finds its way back to you, you breathe differently. You are not the same person. You hurt in a numb kind of way, in a way only the surviving can. You find yourself looking for the dead in you. You find yourself going through the hell of dragging the corpse out of the maze you had created out of your life.

But the worst part?

The worst part is losing yourself in the maze, and not knowing how to find your way back. It's trying to find yourself not knowing what you are after. It's accepting that the dead in you was the good in you, and building yourself up again from the leftovers.

And pretending you are okay with it.

***

It's like asking "who are you?"

over, and over, and over, and over,

and the answer is never quite right.

Veritaserum.

2011-12-20T22:58:00.000-08:00

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful—
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.

—Extract from Mirror by Sylvia Plath

***

I wish to see things as they are.

Hair Side of the Story.

2011-12-17T23:29:00.000-08:00

I finally got a haircut, and I'm loving it. No lies though: I do miss my long hair. It had reached the small of my back, and was swishy and "safe". However, it was getting really drab, and also made me look quite juvenile. I went to the hairdresser's, and for the first time ever, left a salon feeling better than when I walked in. The stylist completely understood what I wanted, and did not try to convince me that that would be so much better than what I actually wanted, or that this would not suit me.

I wanted a change so the hair was definitely going, but I did not want anything freakishly short either (although it is rather short now, to be honest). "Up to my collarbone," I said. And square-ish. I actually did ask her to tell me outright if this was not going to suit me (who wants to be stuck with a series of unfortunate bad hair days), and she told me I have a face shape that would suit any type of haircut. So that wasn't an issue. I felt very blessed, indeed.

About one hour later, I emerged from the salon feeling strangely good. I really, really do like my hair, and I don't regret cutting it. This is so much more classy (when I bother "taking care" of it, that is. Meaning, washing and blowdrying proper).

It was my first decent haircut in a little bit more than two years, so it was a big deal to me.

I know a lot of people would go hysterical about getting rid of their long hair, but this was something I needed and wanted to do. I thought I was going to regret it, but no, I don't. Honestly, it's just hair.

I think that is the prompt for unnecessary photos of myself.

↓↓↓

There. I'm pretty ~~vain~~.

Now go away.

***

So, if you love me

why did you let this happen?

Consuming Fantasy.

2011-12-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

She would often asked him,

"What if this is all just a dream? What if you suddenly wake up, and you're sitting at your table, and the teacher's voice is droning on about inflation, and curves and markets? What if we are just having a wonderful, cruel dream, and I am still just the girl across the room?"

And.. it was just a dream. Only, the awakening did not take her back to the beginning.

***

Coming back to where you left off

is not the same as never leaving.

Shadows.

2011-12-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That’s what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."

—Arundhati Roy

You say you love him, love him with all your heart. You beg him to take you back. You promise it won't happen again. You say it meant nothing. And because he does not know how to be without you, he concedes. You hurt him like he never expected you could, but he takes you back. You stabbed him in the heart, cut off his arteries one by one with the bluntest knife, and he takes you back.