stigmatised.
A little presumptuous, mildly pretentious and sometimes obnoxious. But I won't apologise.
I love writing. It's an addiction.
Rien.
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stigmatised. |
A little presumptuous, mildly pretentious and sometimes obnoxious. But I won't apologise. I love writing. It's an addiction. |
Rien. |
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written on Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 8:36:00 PM In 2011, I let every little shit and fart get me down. I am still not sure if it was out of weakness or confusion, but it happened. I started the year out knowing exactly where I wanted to be at specific points in time, planned out exactly what I had to do in order to get there, and ended up getting nothing because circumstances (bloody circumstances) changed. That's okay, really. I mean, I cannot have everything (yet), right? Where would I put it? Saying "Nothing happened for me in 2011" would be a lie. A lot has happened and a lot has changed, but none of those have made me move forward. If anything, they were setbacks. Setbacks that made me doubt what I was always certain of. In 2011, I lost myself. I lost what had always made me "Me". I started the year out not knowing what I was doing, and ended up not knowing who I was. That's okay, really. I mean, you can't always get it right, right? It's part of the lesson. It's funny, when you think about it. You nurture and take pride of who you are, and you never imagine that a sleight of hand, and/or a slight offhand, could destroy everything. And then it happens, and you have no idea who you can rely on. Because the twist in your thoughts makes everything and everyone monstrous. It's not easy. Living this way. I have said numerous times I am not one for resolutions, and I don't believe my life will just change with an increment in years. I would not mind saying my life is so much better now that 2011 is dead and gone, but no. Unfortunately, this is not how it works. Not for me anyway. I am a changed person, but it did not happen overnight, and it wasn't a change in dates that made that happen. All I can do now is take everything, good and bad (but mostly bad), and learn from that. I will be fine. I will be awesome, even, because the basis for my vision of who, and what, I want to be is sort of already there. I have all the raw materials. All I have to do is build upon that. I have to wake up, and work on my potential instead of just being the-girl-with-lots-of-potential. Of course I will fall again. I will bruise again. I will lose myself again. I will stop believing again. I will cry my guts out. But I will get back on my feet faster. I will heal without hurting. I will find a better self. I will come back with a greater faith. I will never lose my smile.
Because you know what? I am choosing to be happy.
I am not grateful for it now and I don't think I ever will be, but 2011 was an important year for me. I will not cherish it, because there is nothing about it that makes me happy, but I will always remember it. It is the reminder that I once hit rock bottom. And I am never going back to that.
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.. But I will not let down the people who love me.
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